Confessions of a Hypocrite

I have been searching. I have been searching for a long time. Searching for meaning in our existence, searching for an escape from all the forces that seek to destroy us, to pacify us, to conform us to the great deathurge that moves us toward catastrophe. What I do know is that our ultimate value is attributed to our vocation as children of God. We are His/Her beloved and are loved unconditionally. I do not know much else.

I am acutely attuned to the suffering of others-victims of sex trade, genocide, war, absolute poverty, political oppression- the suffering of the biosphere- the flora and fauna, and the suffering of our great mother Earth. This curse/blessing is quite burdensome, and I am often left hopeless, filled with despair and anger. As a whole, we are unhealthy, out of touch with our bodies and spiritually devoid. We put our trust in chariots, horses, wealth, possessions, distraction, politics, religion, anything.

My understanding is that there seems to be a greater problem than than we like to admit about the society we have created. We blame individuals, we blame political parties, we blame the law, we blame the wealthy, we blame parents, we blame education failure, we blame mega corporations, we blame them. I believe the root of our ills is much deeper. The story of our origins was told through Adam and Eve, one of the first indigenous writings telling of our move from hunter-gatherer lifestyle to the advent of agriculture. When we left the garden (or Eden), we severed our relationship with the earth. We began relying on ourselves for our own provision rather than the Creator (the birth of sin). We stored our food in barns, we built towers to the sky, we formed armies to protect what was ours and to steal from others- taking more than enough, storing up for tomorrow, living out of harmony with the land (Ched Myers shares that our civilized conquest is told in the story of the Fall).

Do we need a deeper understanding of the Genesis story, the story of our origins, the story of how we left a relationship of harmony for a relationship of separation from God?

Over the last few years I have been wrestling with whether or not seeing the world through an anarcho-primtivism, radical anthropological or deep ecology lens is helpful, necessary or even practical in participation in God’s kingdom. Is it a distraction? What happens when one realizes that their life does not come even close to reflecting their values? Is having the time to think of these questions a symptom of white privilege? Shouldn’t I just focus on loving my neighbor? Without understanding and spirit-led discernment, will I somehow take on the characteristics of the oppressor? Where’s the balance? How do I live in the world but not be of the world?

Like I said, I do not know much of anything, but I do know this. Jesus calls us to love one anther. To take care of those who are oppressed and marginalized in our society. I’m not sure that understanding the causes of oppression and marginalization brings me any closer to solidarity with anyone.

I’m a confused hypocrite just trying to figure out how God wants to use me. Does he want me to continue to work within the broken education system? Does he want me to work towards creating a utopian, heavenly society? Maybe a little of both as long as I am doing it in the spirit of love.